Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
