High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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