I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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