I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
