well I can't set my house on fire every night
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
