I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
