I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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