The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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