Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
