do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
