Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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