do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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