I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
