i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
