You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
