I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
