and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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