If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
