Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize