I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
