Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
