my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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