She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
