I accidentally had phone sex last night
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
