i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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