so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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