i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
