I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
