Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
