I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
