What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
