dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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