I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
