You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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