I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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