I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
