Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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