I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
