I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
