When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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