I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
In other news, I just burned my penis
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
