I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
