I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
