I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
