I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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