There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
