he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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