I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize