I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
