is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
