Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize