I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
