I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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