My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
