In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize