I don't usually arrange sex via text message
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
