wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Randomize
