lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
