My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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