another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
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