I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
