Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
