Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
