I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize