This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
