I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
