He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
