everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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